AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

There are so many things that I feel like are chains across my shoulders attached to weights sinking into the sea. And this constant state of pain blurs my consciousness like a blanket of sand that despite all my digging continues to fill on top of me. That is how I feel; [I am] sinking into an abyss of sea and sand. The terrible thing is, is that while everyday I claw and I thrash and I gulp at the air, no one can tell. I am tired of people coming at me with their desires, looking at me with lust, or snubbing me out of envy. I am nothing anyone should want, and most certainly nothing to envy; and that this is not obvious or even perceived by anyone makes me realize how shallow my world is. The sad thing is that people are always trying to be skinnier, fitter, or more attractive; when you are skinny, fit, and attractive, you realize that its not a bevy of wonders that you have obtained but a curse. There is a point where you turn from something tangible into the witches mirror. Peoples interest in you is no longer in how you relate to them but in how you reflect on them. Does being with you feed the ego? Do they think themselves better if they've gotten with you? Or are they insecure around you, for fear that they are not whichever better than you they want to be. I remember college, and people wanting to be around me, its strange that when so many women seem consumed by losing weight, I miss what I was 20lbs ago... visible.